Sunday, December 30, 2012

Welcome 2013!

Wow!   What an absolute mad year 2012 has been.  

As I look back, I realize I made one of the toughest decisions of my life.   The decision to move from Ohio to Michigan in 1998 by myself, was big!  ....  then it takes me 14 years to make another life changing decision, to get my lap-band to help me get the weight off that I put on due to the 1998 decision to move.   Life is funny that way, but I guess that is what living it is all about?

I know the worst regarding this journey is now behind me, the wait for insurance approval, the dreaded last meal syndrome, the horrific liquid diet, the recovery from surgery, the toll that surgery takes on your body.   I hated the soreness and weakness I felt from not being able to workout for weeks.  I was scared when it was hard for me to walk around my neighborhood.   How will I ever get thru spinning and another core workout, if I cannot even walk!   But I recovered and I kicked its ASS!!!!!! 
 
My loss has been slow and steady.   That is the best way I can describe it.    I have not any big weekly losses, except for when I did the liquid diet in May.   Perseverance and Patience are the two words that come to mind when I look at my WLS journey.    My lose is 48.7 for 2012, so close to 50, but yet not quite there for the New Year Celebration.
 
My lowest point was loosing my trainer Mark.    It has been almost a month and I am still upset and probably will never understand why he chose to abandon me half way thru my journey.  When I think about it, my heart and my stomach hurt, so much I cry.  His decision makes me feel as if I was not good enough to be his client.   When you are rejected in anyway in life, it hurts deep inside in your core and that pain often is the pain that stays with you throughout your life.   
 

My highest point is the magnitude of my ever changing body shape and my work-outs! I never missed, never canceled and gave 110% every single time.   My body is stronger today at 41 then it was at 21 and that is a FACT.    

 
I survived the closing of my favorite gym MAC, and began the search for a new gym.  The temporary loss of my beloved spin classes for my top cardio fix, was extremely difficult.    For 90 long days, this was also taken from me, but just when I thought gone forever...BOOM it was back just as fast it left.    Thank you Pureenergy2SP !   

 
So, I am hoping that my recent set-back with loosing Mark and the progression of my core strength training is also just temporary.  


I have found a new trainer, his name is Bryan Mason, but I will just call him Dude for now!  Bryan is with the parent company of Pureenergy2SP, called 2SP Athletic.   He is the first trainer dude in the cover picture, if you click this link!   Looks nice enough you think?     I have had 2 workouts with him and heading for my 3rd this morning.    I do like him, his style of training is different than with Mark, but then in some ways very similar.  Dude is very all over the place, he is all dudish-styled and wants results FAST with little rest between sets of whatever crazy ass shit he thinks up.   

I'll report later in January how it is going with Dude, but I am very closed off toward him at that moment, almost holding myself back.   I'm scared to like him, scared to get into a routine, scared to rely on him for fear he too will leave.      See I'm all fucked up!


I love my title picture for this post, it speaks volumes.   Most definitely in 2013 it is eminent  that I will for certain get SHIT DONE.   Failure is not an option!



My journey has been rough, some weeks the scale just stood still and stared at me as if to say "what you gonna do about this bitch?"... my heart has been hurt, my routines broken, my strength tested over and over.  

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Lovely Addict Update


 
Well as if almost right on que; I received a letter back from JJ in Prison.   His letter was eminent, almost as if meant to be with the timing.   Given that my new trainer I hired to replace him fired me as a client last week.  I find all this almost too scripted as if the events are happening for no apparent reasons, but then become crystal clear in the end.  
 
It is as if I'm looking from the outside and watching this story unfold in my life.   JJ's letter was full of hope for his own situation as well as nothing but positive energy toward me and our friendship.
 
As I read this letter its dated early December, prior to my present situation taking place.   He is writing this letter to me as if my life, my routines and goals  are still on track.   His message is received and its clear to me what needs to be done.   He gave me more self-motivation and more inspiration in one letter...than I could have hoped for.   

I know what I need to do.   It took a few days, I did not want to accept this fate, but this is what the story unveils to me and this chapter now ends.  
 
JJ sounds good, however he is clearly hurting, he is bored, but I believe at this point in time he owns his actions and is trying to make sense of his addiction and why he did what he did. 
 
Thanks to all that responded on my first post in November, many had asked that I follow-up once I heard from JJ with an update.   

Will I hear from JJ again?   Absolutely, we are going to continue to exchange letters and support each other.   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

There will be no more after you!

I start this post out with a broken heart because this is what has happened to my insides over the last 24 hours. 
Your intentions are not clear to me?   I think you did this to motivate me, but it did not work.  Instead I am stopped dead in my efforts.    I am now paralyzed with fear of failure.   
I am flawed and not perfect, but I do love myself enough to embark on this journey publicly, to share my highs and lows in an attempt to capture the pain and hard work it takes to lose weight.  
 
 
I have asked you for help to be there as part of my support system.  Why?... because I know ME.... way better than you do; and knew I would need constant supervision, motivation and reminded of my goals.  
 
 
That is your role in this.   You don't get to just walk out on me!     

Most importantly:  Part of my commitment contract "I will not quit on myself".    I never did quit, never had any intentions of quitting until I got to the finish line.

So why do you get to quit on me?    

I'm not going to enlist myself in another weight challenge and set myself up for failure to win you back to my team.    You either want to help me and have enough respect for my self worth to stay with me when I need you most or you don't.

See, I don't care about the cash prize, but what I do care about is me!   I have to be my priority right now.   I don't have it in me to care about others, work with others, to compete against others, nor do I have any desire to wager my relationship, my friendship with you or my fitness and health future.

By giving me an ultimatum, by doing to me what you did yesterday... it shows me you really do not know me at all.    

So let me fill you in:  
I am faithful, forgiving, loyal to a fault, loving, funny, outspoken and smart.  


You are trying to break me and my sprit for some reason and now I am desperately trying to not let that happen.    I have cried for hours, not ate for hours, went without sleep for hours.    I have thought about this enough.    I have tried to justify your decision and I can't come up with anything that gives you the right to do that to me.

I bet you will say:  "its not personal"...  Fuck you... it is Personal!     The minute that I opened myself up to get on a scale, to allow you to measure my lady parts, to allow you to push me and work with me, and run and jump with my big phatty phatness....     It became Personal.    The minute that I decided to trust you, it became Personal!
What overweight woman do you know of that jumps at the chance to get on a scale in front of a hott ass guy?    NONE!   It takes courage to even walk in the door and ask for help from a guy trainer. 


This is all I have to give is what is inside of me, some weeks may be great and others not so great.   You are either with me on this journey or against me, the choice is not mine its yours.   I have made my choice.  

If you choose NO, then there will be no more trainers after you.   I don't have the energy to open myself up again.   I will finish my journey on my own.

 

This is me and my Trainer 12/12/12, the day from Hell!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Story of My Favorite Jeans ...

I was hanging on a Rack at Macy's at Somerset Mall, just waiting for a good home!   My maker is a high-fashionista designer named Michael Kors and my price tag is way over priced at $125.00 with no upcoming sale on me in my future until Spring.  
 
 
 
As I hang on my lonely rack at Macy's, in walks a potential buyer, ohhh she is cute, smiling, carrying a MK purse and looks just my size.    AHHH!!! she sees me, I get picked up and she smiles at me, I've got a HOME!   My potential buyer takes me in the dressing room so she can make sure we are a good fit, but unfortunately she struggles to get me on.   She pulls and tugs and begins to breath heavy....then, she sits on the bench in the dressing room in her underwear and begins to cry and look at herself in the mirror.   
 
Finally, she picks me up and I think well back to rack I go, but NOOOO Wait what is this...I'm being purchased!    Me, Mr. MK Jeans are so happy, but my Buyer is so sad.    This does not seem right I think, but I'm just glad to be getting out of Macy's, so in the shopping bag I go and home with my Buyer.   
 
The conversations and living life I hear, while I hang silently on a hanger in an empty room for the next 2 months.    My Buyer is damn determined to love me and wear me and it makes me so happy.   She visits me often, touches me and makes sure I'm still there for her!    Apparently, she is throwing a big party for her best friend and I'm the outfit of choice.  
 
As the party night fast approaches, she puts me on and its a tight fit, but I give her just enough comfort and breathing room that IT'S a GO.    Finally, I get out of this Room and I'm living life with my Buyer.
 
The "Party" is wonderful!   My Buyer has all her friends from long ago around her, she enjoys the evening like no other.    There are many memorable moments and pictures taken with me that will forever be a part of my Buyer's permanent memory bank. 
 
After this Party, I seem to come out every week and get proudly worn; WOW my buyer loves me like no other!   
 
After several long months of being with my Buyer, something strange begins to happen, she quits wearing me, but I remain in her closet just looking at her every time she is close by.    Then, one day the unthinkable happens, she puts me on and is annoyed with me!     I end up in a pile on a bench with other unlovable clothes.     I don't know why my Buyer does not love me anymore?? and it hurts!
 
Finally, my Buyer comes and has a conversation with me!   Thank God...I'm thinking I cannot spend another minute in this Room with these Looser Clothes, I'm a high-fashionista type and need to be Displayed and LOVED!   
 
My Buyer tells me:    "hello, my Favorite MK Jeans, you started all this; that day in the dressing room when it was just you and I and the mirrors ... this was a breaking point for me, having to stuff myself in you just about broke me".   I will forever love you, but I have no need for you anymore.   You represent a side of me that is gone and never coming back!   
 
She packs me up in a USPS box and sends me away to a lady named Maggie who lives in Miami, FL.    Yes, my lovely buyer sends me away, but not with out a note to my new owner:   "Hey, Maggie... these were my favorite jeans and come with a lot of memories and courage, and life changing decisions, love them and live life in them for me".
 
 
 

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Lovely Addict



Wikipedia says.......Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse dependency consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors.. Classic hallmarks of addiction include: impaired control over substances/behavior, preoccupation with substance/behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial.[3] Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs). . . this state creates the conditions of tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance is the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance and requires increasingly larger amounts to achieve the original effects. Withdrawal refers to physical and psychological symptoms people experience when reducing or discontinuing a substance the body had become dependent on. Symptoms of withdrawal generally include but are not limited to anxiety, irritability, intense cravings for the substance, nausea, hallucinations, headaches, cold sweats, and tremors.


I start out today with a Pretty post picture that indicates an Addict coupled with the definition of Addiction for a reason.  

Some addictions are painted as pretty, just like my picture!
I have a story to write that I has been deep down breeding inside me for a few weeks.   Its about my former Personal Trainer JJ.   JJ took me, my confidence and my ability to train my body to an enitrely new level.  He pushed me to do things, that any normal person my size would never do and not even think of doing.   He showed me to do things that a trainer I worked out with prior for 2 yrs never did.  The way he trained me, gave me just enough of that natural high I could feel from working out my own body, to make the leap of faith to WLS I desperatly needed.   

My body responded and loved that high right after an intense workout! . . . and for that I owe him my life.  It has forever changed me and the way I train my Body now.  I will not settle for mediocre workouts, it must be all powering or nothing.
Everyone is always amazed at how often and how hard I work out.
It's because I'm addicted to TRAIN HARD!



The Inner Warrior in me was Released!


I bring up JJ now, because he has been on my mind.  I mention him early on in my April posts in my blog, but then nothing afterwards. 

First, you need to understand that when you train with someone like I do, you become close.   You say things and discuss things when your in stressmode that normally would not be discussed.   You build a bond and a trust that cannot be broken.  Why is it like that for me?  because, I have to let my guard way down ... Atleast, that is how it is for me, probably because I'm fat and do not have a perfect body.    Because I am an Addict, and when you show an Addict a way out of their misery, if even for a brief period . . . they will respond with everything they have to escape it!   

I want to discuss Addiction and the unfair way it manifests to society.   My former trainer JJ is in Prison for 15 years.    Why?   Because he too was an addict, just like me.   An addict of food like me???   NO, his drug was cocaine, and in between his Commitment to help me with my addiction, he was silently struggling with his own.   I never knew, he never said a word.  All of our sessions, were always about me, my body, my goals, my problems.   He never unloaded on me, about his issues.  
I never got to say goodbye, I never got to discuss his addiction with him, one day he was there for me and the next he was gone!    Gone to jail for robbery to get money to pay for his cocaine, so he could fuel his body full with his drug of choice.
I have a real problem that he is in jail for an addiction and I get to walk free and live life and have the exact same problem.    My addiction is food, which in America is not a crime.  We can eat and eat and fill our body with fast food, high calorie pretty drinks, reward milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc... all with FOOD.  
Robbery and Drugs you say . . . he should be in Prison?  Well seriously, I'm not being funny when I say this, but it is kind of funny so laugh if you must.  But, if i'm being truthful with myself...      "picture a before WLS Michelle without food for a few hours and show me a large pizza or a plate of my mom's biscuits and gravy or a Starbucks Mocha and then tell me I cannot have it!     You know what, I might have pulled a knife too!   There was not much that was going to keep me from getting my food fix."
Last week, I wrote JJ a letter and gave him an update on me.   My WLS decision, the results so far, and ofcourse about my new Trainer Mark.   It was really hard....to write this letter to him.    Hey thanks for helping me...guess what I got WLS i've lost 45 lbs and have a new awesome Trainer I love.  My life is great, sorry yours sucks and your in prison for 15 years.  
I'm not a bleeding heart, but if you read the definition of an Addict that I just posted, we are the same.   JJ and I are the same, we suffer from the same issue.  My drug is legal and his is not.   I got help in time, he did not.

The reason I choose to write JJ in prison, the reason why I cannot forget about JJ, the reason my stomach hurts when I think of him in Prison.....
Its Guilt.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Just Saying !



For my WLS ladies!    I truly enjoy my blog-land friends, and I read your blogs diligently.

Just putting a little pep in our steps today, as we head toward this Holiday week.

Happy Thanksgiving to each and every one of you.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Workout Wednesday

This is how I see myself yesterday!
 
Ultimate Workout Wednesday!
 
 Yesterday I attempted and completed the Ultimate Workout Wednesday.   
 
5:30a-6:30a Personal trainer Mark time.    Did a series of TRX squats, one legged TRX squats, numerous lines of walking lunges with a 10 lb weights, some TRX Trickery move that I'm not even sure how I completed it, but apparently I did.   1 min-planks and some other tortureous moves, that I have probably choosen to forget!
 
6:30p-7:30p  Spin Time!   .... and not just any old boring Spin class, but the best of the best.    My old spin teachers from my gym that closed down in August got together and opened their own fitness business.   2SP Pure Energy opened up this week Nov. 12th.    I am just so excited and grateful!     Blair Jackson, rocked my world and just like that 21 miles were Completed!
 
 

 
 

 
Lets make Wednesdays = Work-out Wednesday!   You dont have to go crazy like I did, but Wednesday the most awful day of the week, we can change the meaning of HUMP Day one lap band diva at a time.    We will get out there and Move our Bodies and shake em like we got it all figured out!
 
 
 
This looks the TRX trick I did?  Yep this is what i'm going with!
 
 
 

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I Love me some Trader Joe's




Just wanted to drop a quick post about my Favorite Grocery Store. There are so many great things, but mainly they are Healthy and Cheap. I can always find something to snack on or for lunch or dinner that is one of those meals you look forward to having during the week.
Today I found this great Spinach and Kale Reduced-Guilt Yogurt Dip and paired it with TJ's Pretzel Thins for a quick lunch.
 
 
2 tbsp 30 Cal 2.5 F 1 Sug 1 Prot
 
My lunch was a Whopping 160 calories and it was great!
 
Speaking of Pretzel Thins, I cannot wait to try these.  They were not out yet, but damn baby .... they look yummy.   
 
 
 
These might not be as healthy, if interested . . . Coming in 14 days to a TJ's near you.
 
 
Completely, unrelated isn't The Bog cute in his coat?   Yes he is a boy dog and wearing a pink sweater; but that is all they had in his size.  Bog has Cushing's Disease and lost all his hair 7 years ago, so he needs clothes to keep warm. 
 
Silly Dog!
 
Bogart The Basset Hound
 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Liebster Blogging Award

Colleen has nominated me LapsinLife for a Liebster Award.  Liebster is a German word and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.  

 

 The Rules
- Once you're nominated, write 11 facts about yourself.
- Then, take a look at the 11 questions the person who nominated you asked and answer them.
- Get your thinking cap on and come up with 11 questions of your own for your nominees to answer
- Then choose the 5 bloggers you want to nominate (they must have less than 200 followers) & let them know they've been nominated (there are no tag backs - you can't nominate the person who nominated you).
- Complete this post and then link it to the person who nominated you (in the comments of their blog).

 11 Facts about ME:
1.   I absolutely love my job.  
2.   I have a trucker's mouth.
3.   I was Born on the Fourth of July.
4.   I love the feeling of a good workout!    Not much better feeling that you can do for yourself.  Well maybe 1 thing, but we wont go there.
5.   I live 4 hrs away from my family and friends, moved for my job in 1998.
6.   I have 4 dogs and they are all short legged long and floppy eared.
7.   I have been married for 12 years and have no children.  
8.   I'm funny.
9.   I believe in living life right and treating others with dignity and respect.   
10.  I'm a Liberal Independent.    I have republican views on economy issues and strong democratic views on human rights and mankind.
11.  My best friends at 41 are the same people I was best friends with at 16.  


My 11 Questions to Answer:


 

Weirdest thing you have ever eaten?  

something called tuna gasbacho.   It is like raw sushi food.   I ate it because everyone else was, and I did not want to seem "so hillbilly" at a fancy restaurant with Attorneys that I worked for a the time.   Terrible!


What crazy activities do you dream of trying someday?

Unplanned spontanious sex!


Have you ever won a trophy? If so, what was it for?

I'm grew up in the 70's and 80's ofcourse I do.   Bowling, Softball, Volleyball! 


Dog or Cat?

DOGS RULE and CATS DRULE


Why do you blog?

For me, so I dont get skinny some day and forget how much work it took to get there.


What would you do if you didn’t have to work?

work with animals in need at shelter or Vet


What is your favorite movie?

Probably, Dirty Dancing


How often do you get a haircut?  Describe your worst haircut

Every 6 weeks like clockwork.  I once allowed my friend to cut my hair in an
Asymmetrical  bob, which means crooked as SHIT . My parents were horrified.

What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

Oh gosh I hate to admit this, but I hate to read so nothing.


What quality do you like most  about yourself?


My sense of humor is off the charts!    I'm funny, witty and cannot stand to be around people who take themselves so seriously.    


What quality do you like least about yourself?

Lack of empathy.   
     


My 11 Questions for my Nominees:
 

1.    If you could have lunch with anyone who would it be, where and why?

2.    Paid in Full Vacation:    Relax in Hawaii or Shop in NY, London & Paris?

3.    Favorite Restaurant?

4.    Favorite type of exercise?

5.    Are you still in contact with your childhood bff? 

6.    McCartney or Lennon?

7.    If you did not need to work for $$$, what would you do with your time?

8.    Favorite ice cream?

9.    Do you believe in Love at First Site?

10.  Do you ever regret getting your WLS?

11.   Tell me something about you I would not find out on your blog cause its not about WLS.



I nominate:




Megan at BigBottomBanded

Tee

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Operation Big Business

My personal trainer makes house calls!
 
He came and left with my Scale!    WTF
 
He came and left with a signed Promise Contract from me:
 
I MLB will exercise 5 hrs a week, fill out my food journal and keep healthy foods at home.
I MLB will prepare my snacks and meals for the week before the week begins.
I MLB will not have bad eating habits when I go to social events.
I MLB will not Quit on Myself.
 
I MLB will loose 10 lbs by December 12, 2012.
 
He came and called Bullshit!   He came and questioned my husband on what I eat.  He came and went thru my kitchen like Hurricane Mark.
 
He shot down all my excuses.   He dont even care that the holidays are coming up!   He said I can celebrate the Holidays next year with Food, once I'm 85 lbs lighter.
 
I got kinda snippy with him and said "you want to come to my next fill appt too?"   Shut the Front Door....he said he had a conference call set up for Monday with my surgeon and nutritionist!   
 
What what . . . this just happened!
 
 
Weightloss UPDATE 
 
 
I've lost -2.75 lbs in 14 days, I have changed some things around this month and it appears to be working.
 
I officially hit my - 40 lbs this week, so..... I am very happy about that!  
 
 
NSV Alert
 
I bought some new jeans, they are super cute!    Still in the phatty section, but coming way down in size.   This time last year, I paid $110 for a pair of Michael Kors Jeans that I could not even get zipped.   I starved myself for a month to get into them for my BFF's 40th Party.     Those jeans just went into the "too big to wear pile".   Yaaaaaaaa ME!!!!!!
 
FACT
 
One of the most beautiful women to ever walk this earth, and she was a healthy Size 12.  
 
Thank you Marilyn for keeping it real.
 
 
 

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!


Halloween 2012 down 40 lbs

 Not a whole lot going on with me for the month of October, but I did want to get out my Halloween Costume for you to see. 

Had a great Halloween this year and for once I actually felt "OK" getting dressed up and acting a fool with my husband and friends.  

I got alot of compliments on my costume and how cute it looked.   My dad made me my Sassy Club which I thank him for that, because I had my hands full with Prisinors.  At work today, I won Funniest Costume.    Which is good I guess, but kinda sucks if you were going for the Sexiest, right?     Whatever, I'll take it!     


Having a Party Time with my Besties!
On the weight loss front, I am eating better so much cleaner and I am so very proud of myself for that.    I'm sticking to my calorie level and not cheating!    Last week I lost - 2 lbs, so this week I just continue onward with my Journey.


My Trainer is coming over on Saturday to help go over my eating issues.  We are making plans to move forward to get this last 50 lbs off by Spring.   I have a million excuses on why I struggle to loose weight, all are becoming tiresome and old in my book and his.



Its do or die time!     And as my grandma dolly would say "shit or get off the pot ".   

Speaking of Grandma Dolly who was near death this summer.... I had the pleasure of going out to lunch with her this past weekend.   She is such an inspiration to me and proof there is more to life than food.   Grandma Dolly had a feeding tube for almost 8 weeks and she lived to tell about it.   Makes my piddly ass complaining look like just that "piddly ass".    She is so proud of me and I want her to see me thin!  She is getting old and tries to die every other month, so I need to get busy with that promise.     

Hence its now or never time!


Sunday, October 21, 2012

DENIAL, ME CAN'T BE!


I have not blogged in 10 days becuase I'm living in DENIAL.   If I dont talk about it, or deal with it, or write it, maybe it will go away.

Well, here it goes:      I've managed to over work my right knee and I am paying the ultimate price.  I've been benched, just like NY's Derek Jeter!

I was on crutches 2 out of the past 10 days, in/our of Urgent Care and on some fabulous pain and anti-inflamatory drugs.   I'm off the crutches, but now have a "limp" and my lap-band surgeon said no more drugs!   I'm still not understanding what the big deal is with the ibruprofin, aleve, etc...  I need to know if you all follow this rule?   He says Tylenol only, but if you have been to the stores lately??? No Tylenol to buy.    So what is a Girl to do?

I have only had 1 workout in the past 10 days, so I feel like a loaf of wonder bread.   I'm heading to spin this morning to see if it's even remotely possible this girl can muster up a sweat!

My lapband surgeon DENIED me a fill when I desperately needed it, because I had been on a high dosage of ibruprofin for 7 days and then I admitted to being addicted to Aleve during our consult.   He said the fill would not be a good idea as my stomach was being aggravated by these meds. 


So, the scale is a BITCH!     I've lost 4.25 lbs in 5 weeks.    I'm still eating the same shit, but smaller portions!    Even with the workouts being ultra intense, I'm still not loosing as fast as I could if I would just eat healthy. 

I dont know why, but I just dont like healthy food.    I'm struggling to choose the right foods and its such a cop-out.      I have a top rated medial weight loss Surgeon bought and paid for 12 months, his Nutritionist and then an awesome Personal Trainer who I love to death and wants nothing more for me than success!   I put all this in place to help me loose weight this year, my support systems are there, so why am I absent?   

Is food really that over powering that I would walk out of this after a 1 year commitment and do only half ass?   


Wake the FUCK up Michelle and get your head out of your ASS.
 
I dont want to beat up on myself too bad in this post, because I have not given up and I still want this so much.   I'm just putting it out there once again, that regardless of the surgery it still takes dedication, time, effort and the ultimate sacrifice:     DENIAL of Food!