Tuesday, May 14, 2013

From This to That!  
 - 72 lbs from a Size Unhappy to Size Healthy! 

Wow here we are at my 1 year band anniversary and my final blog post.   I wanted to write a final blog post, but I was not really sure on exactly what topic I wanted to write about.  So, I'm just going to put it out there! 

This journey was at first for me all about loosing weight, dieting and exercising and getting to my goal weight.  At some point around December, it became less about the food and the diet and the exercise and more about how in the HELL and WHY did I ever let myself look like this???   I realized there was so much going on emotionally that I had not dealt with.  I had to stop blogging because the issues I was dealing with were so intense and so personal that I could not make them public.  I have come to realize that this was always about my emotional need for FOOD.  My sense of entitlement to eat it, overeat it, to crave it, to have it, to finish it and move on to the next meal.  Once I was no longer hungry because of my lap-band, and craving food all the time and getting my "fix" with food, the emotions were full frontal!   

I will say that I am living my life today for me and I am very happy.  I am still with my new trainer Bryan, going on month 6 now.  He is awesome and his work outs are more intense then any ive ever had before.  Its as if, all the exercising I did prior, was to prepare me for this. I am still doing my cardio spinning 3X per week at my gym 2SPureEnergy. My passion for exercise is now a forever and permanent part of my life, that will never change.

My eating is under control.  Unfortunately, more days than not I eat what I want, but in a small portions.  If I would just eat healthy food, I would probably have lost well over 100 lbs by now.    But i'm being truthful and honest.   I dont eat the right foods all the time like I should.  I still have Ranch dressing, I still drink Starbuck's Mochas and I still have candy during the day.  FUCK!!!!!! If only.....  The difference now, I dont binge on them and over indulge... I work out very intense.  I am commited and never miss a work-out, due to this my weight loss is slow and steady.   I guess this in the end, is my realistic way to make this work forever.  Long term, my life-style change.   I'm just not a salad eating bitch!  

You can start to see my emotional breaking points very clearly,  in my November and December blog posts.   My good friend JJ, who I was missing so much, coming back into my life after being jailed and sentenced to a long prison term.   Followed very quickly, by my trainer at that time, firing me as a client.  These events happened simultaneiously for me, creating a whirlwind of emotions.  

My husband and I are on a break.  We are still married and respect each other, we are not fighting or mistreating one another.  We have financial commitments and we agreed to raise 4 dogs together during this marriage.   Where are we?   I have no concrete answer to this question.  What I can say is that things are just simply different.  The fact is, that when my husband met me I was in shape and beautiful, I was on top of the world and loved life.  I was a beautiful bride, and that was one of the happiest days of my life.  But something happened after those I Do Vows that clearly did not sit right with me.   I turned into the "before" picture above.   I tried for so many years to ignore this, but in the end... me... my true self... the Michelle I was born to be... she had to escape!   

I have made some not so popular choices over the past 6 months.  I have lost friends and pissed off family members.  I have disappointed my parents and been told by my wise grandmother her opinion, my in-laws think I've gone crazy; and my husband is just trying to slowly take all this in.  

All the while I have listened to everyone who means so much to me.  But I have  to listen to me more!  My internal self-diaglogue, what I need to be happy.   I cannot do what everyone thinks I should, I need to do what is needed to find internal peace.   When I am not happy and not a peace...the "before picture" me emerges and she is miserable and weak and unhappy.    

It all boils down to self-worth, being worthy of being loved, being truly cherished, being wanted, feeling like a woman and being desired.  

"Every woman deserves a Man who calls her "dollface", kisses her like he means it; hugs her like he  never wants to let her go; acts like a gentlemen in public, but makes love to her like an animal; he wipes her tears when she cries; does not make her jealous of other women, but instead makes other women jealous of her; not jealous for him, but of his love for her; isn't scared to let his friends and family know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her and needs her, by not only his words, but morso by his actions." He will put her first and trust her and she trust him, he will tell the world "Hey This is My Girl".

I want that!

Here is another picture comparison for my final blog post.  This first picture is the night I told my friends what I was doing the following week.   The second is me out with my friends a year later..having fun, laughing and not giving a care in the world about my hair, my clothes, my make-up, my fat ass, where I stand in the picture...just living my life in the moment and knowing that things are just Right!

April 2012

April 2013