Tuesday, May 14, 2013

From This to That!  
 - 72 lbs from a Size Unhappy to Size Healthy! 

Wow here we are at my 1 year band anniversary and my final blog post.   I wanted to write a final blog post, but I was not really sure on exactly what topic I wanted to write about.  So, I'm just going to put it out there! 

This journey was at first for me all about loosing weight, dieting and exercising and getting to my goal weight.  At some point around December, it became less about the food and the diet and the exercise and more about how in the HELL and WHY did I ever let myself look like this???   I realized there was so much going on emotionally that I had not dealt with.  I had to stop blogging because the issues I was dealing with were so intense and so personal that I could not make them public.  I have come to realize that this was always about my emotional need for FOOD.  My sense of entitlement to eat it, overeat it, to crave it, to have it, to finish it and move on to the next meal.  Once I was no longer hungry because of my lap-band, and craving food all the time and getting my "fix" with food, the emotions were full frontal!   

I will say that I am living my life today for me and I am very happy.  I am still with my new trainer Bryan, going on month 6 now.  He is awesome and his work outs are more intense then any ive ever had before.  Its as if, all the exercising I did prior, was to prepare me for this. I am still doing my cardio spinning 3X per week at my gym 2SPureEnergy. My passion for exercise is now a forever and permanent part of my life, that will never change.

My eating is under control.  Unfortunately, more days than not I eat what I want, but in a small portions.  If I would just eat healthy food, I would probably have lost well over 100 lbs by now.    But i'm being truthful and honest.   I dont eat the right foods all the time like I should.  I still have Ranch dressing, I still drink Starbuck's Mochas and I still have candy during the day.  FUCK!!!!!! If only.....  The difference now, I dont binge on them and over indulge... I work out very intense.  I am commited and never miss a work-out, due to this my weight loss is slow and steady.   I guess this in the end, is my realistic way to make this work forever.  Long term, my life-style change.   I'm just not a salad eating bitch!  

You can start to see my emotional breaking points very clearly,  in my November and December blog posts.   My good friend JJ, who I was missing so much, coming back into my life after being jailed and sentenced to a long prison term.   Followed very quickly, by my trainer at that time, firing me as a client.  These events happened simultaneiously for me, creating a whirlwind of emotions.  

My husband and I are on a break.  We are still married and respect each other, we are not fighting or mistreating one another.  We have financial commitments and we agreed to raise 4 dogs together during this marriage.   Where are we?   I have no concrete answer to this question.  What I can say is that things are just simply different.  The fact is, that when my husband met me I was in shape and beautiful, I was on top of the world and loved life.  I was a beautiful bride, and that was one of the happiest days of my life.  But something happened after those I Do Vows that clearly did not sit right with me.   I turned into the "before" picture above.   I tried for so many years to ignore this, but in the end... me... my true self... the Michelle I was born to be... she had to escape!   

I have made some not so popular choices over the past 6 months.  I have lost friends and pissed off family members.  I have disappointed my parents and been told by my wise grandmother her opinion, my in-laws think I've gone crazy; and my husband is just trying to slowly take all this in.  

All the while I have listened to everyone who means so much to me.  But I have  to listen to me more!  My internal self-diaglogue, what I need to be happy.   I cannot do what everyone thinks I should, I need to do what is needed to find internal peace.   When I am not happy and not a peace...the "before picture" me emerges and she is miserable and weak and unhappy.    

It all boils down to self-worth, being worthy of being loved, being truly cherished, being wanted, feeling like a woman and being desired.  

"Every woman deserves a Man who calls her "dollface", kisses her like he means it; hugs her like he  never wants to let her go; acts like a gentlemen in public, but makes love to her like an animal; he wipes her tears when she cries; does not make her jealous of other women, but instead makes other women jealous of her; not jealous for him, but of his love for her; isn't scared to let his friends and family know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her and needs her, by not only his words, but morso by his actions." He will put her first and trust her and she trust him, he will tell the world "Hey This is My Girl".

I want that!

Here is another picture comparison for my final blog post.  This first picture is the night I told my friends what I was doing the following week.   The second is me out with my friends a year later..having fun, laughing and not giving a care in the world about my hair, my clothes, my make-up, my fat ass, where I stand in the picture...just living my life in the moment and knowing that things are just Right!

April 2012

April 2013

Monday, January 21, 2013

Skinny Bitch? Nope not for me!

I had an awakening moment yesterday!!!! 

Guess what?

I dont want to be a Skinny Bitch.  Yep its SO TRUE!   What I do want is to be healthy, feel great and look great and be in great physical and mental condition.  I want to work-out kick its ass and do my cardio spinning classes.  Whatever scale weight for me that comes at... is where I will maintain and consider myself happy.

I'm not going to diet for the rest of my life!   I will however, live my new life style to its fullest potential.  

What brought this mind-blowing epiphany to the forefront of my brain?  

I attended a healthy eating Seminar at my new gym 2SP Pure Energy last evening.   It was a very informative seminar and I got some really good ideas from it, and so glad I went.  

However, I had an "AHHA Moment" while I was sitting there.     

Bless the girl's heart who was giving the seminar, but she is the size of flea.    She is going on and on about eating healthy and organics and eating dark greens, quinio rice, and cooking with this spray and dont use high fat this, no processed food, no coffee, eliminate caffeine, eat clean, eat dark Cocoa and kale chips!   

At some point, I just tuned completely out and went to my thoughts.    I realized in that very moment that I am NEVER going to live like that.    For god sake, I love food and chocolate and coffee and I dont think that is every going to change.   If I could change that, I would not have had to have divine intervention to control my hearty appetite. 

Then, my mind and eyes went to her body.    In my opinion she is bones and I'm not kidding probably a size 2 jean would fall off her.   Her entire ass could fit in the palm of my hand, like a toy cup poodle.  Her breasts were the size of a small fried egg.   In my opinion... to me that is unattractive and gives an appearace of unhealthy.   I dont begrudge her for her lifestyle choices, and Hell she probably will love longer than me, but there is no guaranty of long life for any of us....there is just LIFE NOW

She seemed very happy with her choices, but those choices are not for me.    I need to learn to live with my band to eat healthier, proper portioned food and live a balanced life-style.     Then, I realized SHIT BALLS....I am already doing that.    I am working out 5 hours a week, I am down 3 sizes or more in clothes, have lost close to 60 lbs and i'm now only 25 lbs away from my original goal.     

When, I got home from the seminar I looked at myself in the mirror with my workout bottoms and sports bra on and said Damn Girl!    I'm kinda shapely these days...when did this happen?   My big ass is well not so big anymore, and my waist is small... and hey, I might like to grab that ass!!!   The hard-core working out is totally paying off. 

Then, to top it off I had 2 men in my life (Buns and a Great Friend) tell me during the past week that I looked great and maybe a few more pounds 20 or so they could see.  But they each preferred their women curvey and with boobs and an Ass!    Each of these dudes are quite good looking men and could surely get a skinny bitch if they wanted one.    However, niether seemed interested!   LOVE IT!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Be True To Yourself and You Shall be set Free!

I'm quirky, silly, funny, blunt, smart and yes broken!   My days are sometimes dark, and my nights are sometimes too long.   I often trip over my own insecurities and have allowed those insecurities to control me far too long.   I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired.   

I use words in the form of my blog, letters to friends, quick messages, pictures, texts and music to my loved ones, to speak for me when verbal thoughts in the form of  words fail me.  Words are as important to me as the air I breath.    

I love hard and with all that I have...and even with my faults, I am worth loving.


Thursday, January 3, 2013


SO TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!    51.1 total loss as of today 1/3/2013!!!!!
I never doubted I would make it to Club 50 it just took me so long!     Damn, Shit balls, Schnizzel Lips.... WOW  7 months of hard work, perseverance and determination pays off today.
Got nothing else to report except apparently I'm trying to take a bronchial cold and as Sweet Georgia Brown says:   "ain't nobody got time for that"