Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Lovely Addict

Wikipedia says.......Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse dependency consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors.. Classic hallmarks of addiction include: impaired control over substances/behavior, preoccupation with substance/behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial.[3] Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs). . . this state creates the conditions of tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance is the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance and requires increasingly larger amounts to achieve the original effects. Withdrawal refers to physical and psychological symptoms people experience when reducing or discontinuing a substance the body had become dependent on. Symptoms of withdrawal generally include but are not limited to anxiety, irritability, intense cravings for the substance, nausea, hallucinations, headaches, cold sweats, and tremors.

I start out today with a Pretty post picture that indicates an Addict coupled with the definition of Addiction for a reason.  

Some addictions are painted as pretty, just like my picture!
I have a story to write that I has been deep down breeding inside me for a few weeks.   Its about my former Personal Trainer JJ.   JJ took me, my confidence and my ability to train my body to an enitrely new level.  He pushed me to do things, that any normal person my size would never do and not even think of doing.   He showed me to do things that a trainer I worked out with prior for 2 yrs never did.  The way he trained me, gave me just enough of that natural high I could feel from working out my own body, to make the leap of faith to WLS I desperatly needed.   

My body responded and loved that high right after an intense workout! . . . and for that I owe him my life.  It has forever changed me and the way I train my Body now.  I will not settle for mediocre workouts, it must be all powering or nothing.
Everyone is always amazed at how often and how hard I work out.
It's because I'm addicted to TRAIN HARD!

The Inner Warrior in me was Released!

I bring up JJ now, because he has been on my mind.  I mention him early on in my April posts in my blog, but then nothing afterwards. 

First, you need to understand that when you train with someone like I do, you become close.   You say things and discuss things when your in stressmode that normally would not be discussed.   You build a bond and a trust that cannot be broken.  Why is it like that for me?  because, I have to let my guard way down ... Atleast, that is how it is for me, probably because I'm fat and do not have a perfect body.    Because I am an Addict, and when you show an Addict a way out of their misery, if even for a brief period . . . they will respond with everything they have to escape it!   

I want to discuss Addiction and the unfair way it manifests to society.   My former trainer JJ is in Prison for 15 years.    Why?   Because he too was an addict, just like me.   An addict of food like me???   NO, his drug was cocaine, and in between his Commitment to help me with my addiction, he was silently struggling with his own.   I never knew, he never said a word.  All of our sessions, were always about me, my body, my goals, my problems.   He never unloaded on me, about his issues.  
I never got to say goodbye, I never got to discuss his addiction with him, one day he was there for me and the next he was gone!    Gone to jail for robbery to get money to pay for his cocaine, so he could fuel his body full with his drug of choice.
I have a real problem that he is in jail for an addiction and I get to walk free and live life and have the exact same problem.    My addiction is food, which in America is not a crime.  We can eat and eat and fill our body with fast food, high calorie pretty drinks, reward milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc... all with FOOD.  
Robbery and Drugs you say . . . he should be in Prison?  Well seriously, I'm not being funny when I say this, but it is kind of funny so laugh if you must.  But, if i'm being truthful with myself...      "picture a before WLS Michelle without food for a few hours and show me a large pizza or a plate of my mom's biscuits and gravy or a Starbucks Mocha and then tell me I cannot have it!     You know what, I might have pulled a knife too!   There was not much that was going to keep me from getting my food fix."
Last week, I wrote JJ a letter and gave him an update on me.   My WLS decision, the results so far, and ofcourse about my new Trainer Mark.   It was really write this letter to him.    Hey thanks for helping me...guess what I got WLS i've lost 45 lbs and have a new awesome Trainer I love.  My life is great, sorry yours sucks and your in prison for 15 years.  
I'm not a bleeding heart, but if you read the definition of an Addict that I just posted, we are the same.   JJ and I are the same, we suffer from the same issue.  My drug is legal and his is not.   I got help in time, he did not.

The reason I choose to write JJ in prison, the reason why I cannot forget about JJ, the reason my stomach hurts when I think of him in Prison.....
Its Guilt.


  1. Wow, many heavy duty thoughts.
    It is very decent of you to remain friends with your friend-- he probably lost many people in his life between his addiction issues and the subsequent incarceration. I am sorry...

  2. Addiction is so hard. I am dying to know if he will write back. I'm sure he loved hearing from you, especially since you are so non-judgemental of him. Let us know when he writes back!

  3. Sorry about the loss of your friend and trainer. Really I am. That must hurt to lose that support.

    But I disagree with your analysis. America has many resources for ALL kinds of addicts. There are just as many shows out there trying to help drug addicts, alcoholics, etc.

    He made a choice to ROB someone... with a WEAPON. That has nothing to do with his drug of choice being illegal. If you were broke, and couldn't afford donuts, would you have robbed someone for them? Doubt it. He made a bad decision. One that affected many people besides himself.

    I can't imagine what it is like to struggle with a drug addiction. I do know what it is like to struggle with a food addiction. A lot of shame attached to both. We all make choices on how to deal with our addictions. Unfortunately his rock bottom is awful. Really really awful.

    He isn't in jail because of an addiction. He is in jail because he made a choice to fund his addiction by robbing someone. It is sad. And it is unfortunate that he was unable to beat his addiction.

    1. agree with you too. this was my way of trying to explain why I would communicate to him, I hope it worked. sometimes we just got to write down what is brewing inside us. Thanks adorkable!

  4. I'm a new reader and you caught my eye since we're both Michelle's and both doing laps (in one way or another!)

    This is a really, really powerful entry and I'm honored you chose to share it with us. While I might not agree that your addictions are the same oh, I can share in that feeling of addictions. I'm glad you chose to write to him though.

  5. This made me cry. Addiction is not pretty in any of its forms. My heart aches that JJ couldn't get the treatment he needed for his and instead ended up in prison.

  6. That was really powerful, thanks for sharing.
    I agree that addiction takes on all forms and I'm so sorry that you have lost such an inspiration in your life. The only thing to do now is use his story to help fuel your own, as he would have wanted.
    Good luck =)

  7. Well, somehow I missed this post and your recent update prompted me to come back for the back-story. I am sorry you have lost a friend even if it is temporary to an addiction. I agree that those of us who use food, act like addicts and are slowly dying from the side effects. I have seen it claim the best years of my Dad's life. What you can't do, is attach your success to him. He has a stronger substance. Period. He needs intensive in patient help. You are demonstrating that you don't. He would not want you to self-sabotage or feel guilty for him. Not if he is a true friend. Please be cautious of co-dependence. I should know. I had that relationship with my Dad for years. I had to break free to get healthy. Thank you so much for sharing!