The Lovely Addict

Wikipedia says.......Addiction is the continued use of a mood altering substance or behavior despite adverse dependency consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors.. Classic hallmarks of addiction include: impaired control over substances/behavior, preoccupation with substance/behavior, continued use despite consequences, and denial.^[3] Habits and patterns associated with addiction are typically characterized by immediate gratification (short-term reward), coupled with delayed deleterious effects (long-term costs). . . this state creates the conditions of tolerance and withdrawal. Tolerance is the process by which the body continually adapts to the substance and requires increasingly larger amounts to achieve the original effects. Withdrawal refers to physical and psychological symptoms people experience when reducing or discontinuing a substance the body had become dependent on. Symptoms of withdrawal generally include but are not limited to anxiety, irritability, intense cravings for the substance, nausea, hallucinations, headaches, cold sweats, and tremors.

I start out today with a Pretty post picture that indicates an Addict coupled with the definition of Addiction for a reason.  

Some addictions are painted as pretty, just like my picture!

I have a story to write that I has been deep down breeding inside me for a few weeks.   Its about my former Personal Trainer JJ.   JJ took me, my confidence and my ability to train my body to an enitrely new level.  He pushed me to do things, that any normal person my size would never do and not even think of doing.   He showed me to do things that a trainer I worked out with prior for 2 yrs never did.  The way he trained me, gave me just enough of that natural high I could feel from working out my own body, to make the leap of faith to WLS I desperatly needed.   

My body responded and loved that high right after an intense workout! . . . and for that I owe him my life.  It has forever changed me and the way I train my Body now.  I will not settle for mediocre workouts, it must be all powering or nothing.

Everyone is always amazed at how often and how hard I work out.

It's because I'm addicted to TRAIN HARD!



The Inner Warrior in me was Released!

I bring up JJ now, because he has been on my mind.  I mention him early on in my April posts in my blog, but then nothing afterwards. 

First, you need to understand that when you train with someone like I do, you become close.   You say things and discuss things when your in stressmode that normally would not be discussed.   You build a bond and a trust that cannot be broken.  Why is it like that for me?  because, I have to let my guard way down ... Atleast, that is how it is for me, probably because I'm fat and do not have a perfect body.    Because I am an Addict, and when you show an Addict a way out of their misery, if even for a brief period . . . they will respond with everything they have to escape it!   

I want to discuss Addiction and the unfair way it manifests to society.   My former trainer JJ is in Prison for 15 years.    Why?   Because he too was an addict, just like me.   An addict of food like me???   NO, his drug was cocaine, and in between his Commitment to help me with my addiction, he was silently struggling with his own.   I never knew, he never said a word.  All of our sessions, were always about me, my body, my goals, my problems.   He never unloaded on me, about his issues.  

I never got to say goodbye, I never got to discuss his addiction with him, one day he was there for me and the next he was gone!    Gone to jail for robbery to get money to pay for his cocaine, so he could fuel his body full with his drug of choice.

I have a real problem that he is in jail for an addiction and I get to walk free and live life and have the exact same problem.    My addiction is food, which in America is not a crime.  We can eat and eat and fill our body with fast food, high calorie pretty drinks, reward milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc... all with FOOD.  

Robbery and Drugs you say . . . he should be in Prison?  Well seriously, I'm not being funny when I say this, but it is kind of funny so laugh if you must.  But, if i'm being truthful with myself...      "picture a before WLS Michelle without food for a few hours and show me a large pizza or a plate of my mom's biscuits and gravy or a Starbucks Mocha and then tell me I cannot have it!     You know what, I might have pulled a knife too!   There was not much that was going to keep me from getting my food fix."

Last week, I wrote JJ a letter and gave him an update on me.   My WLS decision, the results so far, and ofcourse about my new Trainer Mark.   It was really hard....to write this letter to him.    Hey thanks for helping me...guess what I got WLS i've lost 45 lbs and have a new awesome Trainer I love.  My life is great, sorry yours sucks and your in prison for 15 years.  

I'm not a bleeding heart, but if you read the definition of an Addict that I just posted, we are the same.   JJ and I are the same, we suffer from the same issue.  My drug is legal and his is not.   I got help in time, he did not.

The reason I choose to write JJ in prison, the reason why I cannot forget about JJ, the reason my stomach hurts when I think of him in Prison.....

Its Guilt.