Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Is it Self - Sabatoge?

Why knowing that I have my first weigh-in tomorrow morning on 8/1 with Mark my PT after 7 weeks...would I do this to myself today?

I truly believe these are the signs and behaviors we must not ignore but try and figure them out.     Right now I'm admitting I did this, but still do not know why?

Last night instead of having my 300 calorie meal I had planned, I decided to eat what Buns' was eating but lighten it up.    That was 1/3 C. Sloppy Joe Mix on top of 1/2 White Bun with 17 (portion) of cool ranch doritos.  

First off do I really need to be eating this meal when I am trying to loose weight?    Second did I need the cool ranch doritos?    NO and NO!

But I did it anyway.  

The very first bite of sloppy joe went down great, then I ate a dorito following and immediatley I got that feeling.  You know the one we went thru the surgery hell to feel RESTRICTION!!!!!

Nope I continued to eat and cleared my plate.   See I'll show my Band who's boss I'll eat what I want to eat.

HELL TO THE FURREY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!    The Band Wins......

I had the worst throwing up episode ever!      It lasted a good 10 minutes and I swear at one point I saw blood.     My eyes are blood shot today and I have broken blood vessels around my mouth and nose from straining to puke.  

I needed to loose 1.2 lbs to reach my soft goal I set with Mark on June 12th.    So what I was 1.2 lbs off .... and this is what I do to myself?     Not Normal!!!!

How about the 12.5 lbs I lost and the clothes that are falling off me and the people at work are noticing daily how good I look.   

Apparently I cannot focus on any of that when faced with choosing between ME and Food.

I got no humor today, no pictures today for my post.   This is just me admitting I got some issues.

K... :( bye.







19 comments:

  1. Oh Sweetheart, we have all done this. In fact I have done it many times since being banded and then been furious and berated myself for far too long afterwards. And what I have learnt is that this negativity and harshness to myself only breeds more of it. You can overcome this and you are doing so well. Don't let a blip decide what you do next. Love x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mari I'm going to let it go....but the Doritos I threw over the fence.

      Delete
  2. You are not alone. I think you are brave for admitting what happened. Afterall, this is the point of blogging. Not entertaining us (although that part is fun), but growing and learning in your journey to let the real you shine! Thanks for sharing and good luck getting back on track!!! I am rooting for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well it's got to be told... The story.

      Delete
  3. Michelle - I think every one of us has had an experience like that, some of us more than once (ahem). We all got the band because we have a problem, that problem didn't disappear in surgery. It's gonna take some scrapes with our old demons before we finally are able to pass them by entirely. You'll get there. You already look amazing and are doing so well, so don't beat yourself up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for the compliment .... :)

      Delete
  4. Been there! Damn food demons! Keep on keeping on girl!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Girl, this is why we all got surgery!!! We have food issues duh!!! lol
    Maybe you needed this. You needed this ugly show to wake you up and teach you a lesson. It sucked...horribly right? Know you have learned what happens when you try and overpower your band. This is the moment it became real to you. That thing is REALLY inside you...it's REALLY working. That episode is proof. I hope I don't have to have one of those to prove it to myself. Pick yourself back up... I believe in you. WE believe in you!!! You CAN do it... You WILL do it! You have to accept that you are going to have slip ups, and setbacks but that's just a part of the journey my dear. I'm ALWAYS here for you... email, facebook I'll even give ya my damn phone number!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Real for sure.... Lasting effects thru today man I was just out of it.... My eyes hurt. Wierd huh?

      Delete
  6. It's that thinking we know better than the band that lets it kick our backsides every single time. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For sure can't control that damn thing.

      Delete
  7. awww. hang in there. we all have those days. we probably always will. btw.. doritos and my band don't get along. lesson learned the hard way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doritos.... Crazy shit to get yourself all up and nuts over. Temporarily insane!

      Delete
  8. broken blood vessels? holy wow! I've puked before, but that musta been a really violent episode. Sometimes I actually get MAD when I want to eat more of something that's really great. It is so hard to stop myself when it is so good. And sometimes it's hard even when it isn't good, too. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband is so funny.... After ward I could not find him. I'm like where the hell did he go? He is out by the back porch. Well, I'm trying to eat he said and you sound like a dieing seal in there. I was like WHATEVERS DUDE!

      Delete
  9. hmm could have sworn I commented on this post, maybe I said something wrong.. if so I am very sorry.... hope your eyes are feeling better today...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading my post...I was just beside myself sick.... my eyeballs are still sore today. Crazy.....who's eyeballs hurt. I'm hoping for a positively smashing day tomorrow. I did workout last night regardless so that was a PLUS.

      Delete
    2. you are good for working out still, I would not have I hate throwing up so I would have been a baby for days and days lol... you dont have to thank me I love reading your blog, i just have been losing comments like as I type them or even when I hit publish whammo they are gone to who knows where so i was just checking...see!! it almost happened again WTF maybe i should not let my 22 month old play with my laptop...lol

      Delete
  10. oooh, so sorry. I find myself wondering almost daily why I do the things to myself that I do.

    ReplyDelete