Is it Self - Sabatoge?

Why knowing that I have my first weigh-in tomorrow morning on 8/1 with Mark my PT after 7 weeks...would I do this to myself today?

I truly believe these are the signs and behaviors we must not ignore but try and figure them out.     Right now I'm admitting I did this, but still do not know why?

Last night instead of having my 300 calorie meal I had planned, I decided to eat what Buns' was eating but lighten it up.    That was 1/3 C. Sloppy Joe Mix on top of 1/2 White Bun with 17 (portion) of cool ranch doritos.  

First off do I really need to be eating this meal when I am trying to loose weight?    Second did I need the cool ranch doritos?    NO and NO!

But I did it anyway.  

The very first bite of sloppy joe went down great, then I ate a dorito following and immediatley I got that feeling.  You know the one we went thru the surgery hell to feel RESTRICTION!!!!!

Nope I continued to eat and cleared my plate.   See I'll show my Band who's boss I'll eat what I want to eat.

HELL TO THE FURREY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!    The Band Wins......

I had the worst throwing up episode ever!      It lasted a good 10 minutes and I swear at one point I saw blood.     My eyes are blood shot today and I have broken blood vessels around my mouth and nose from straining to puke.  

I needed to loose 1.2 lbs to reach my soft goal I set with Mark on June 12th.    So what I was 1.2 lbs off .... and this is what I do to myself?     Not Normal!!!!

How about the 12.5 lbs I lost and the clothes that are falling off me and the people at work are noticing daily how good I look.   

Apparently I cannot focus on any of that when faced with choosing between ME and Food.

I got no humor today, no pictures today for my post.   This is just me admitting I got some issues.

K... :( bye.

Calories needed for Goal Weight 175

Results You should consume about 2,043 calories a day to reach your goal weight of 175 lbs . This is at a reasonable weight loss average of 1.5 lbs per week, which should be reached by August 02, 2013. Experts recommend weight loss at the rate of 0.5-2 lbs/week. Remember that this estimate is based on your body weight, height, age, gender, and activity level. It may vary slightly depending on other factors. Generally, women should not consume any less than 1,200 calories per day, and men should not consume less than 1,500 calories per day.

http://caloriecount.about.com/cc/calories-goal.php

PASSIONS!

Thought I would share some of my personal passions so you would get . . .  just how this blog fits perfectly just for me!

My Handsome Man, Buns!

Anything for Animal Abuse!

Its the Future Me!

My Favorite Breed, Dashound!

Liquid Awesome!

Biking!

Roscoe and Bogart The Bassets (yes I have 2 of these)

Arnold The Weenie #2

Bogart and Roscoe

Bogart The Basset and Two Weenies in 1 Bed

My Baby Darling, Franklin Wenzel Weenie #1

My Fucking Hott Husband, aka Buns!

Spoiled Rotten Basset Hound Bogart

Spoiled Rotten Roscoe, aka The SKI

LOVE IT!

Because I'm obsessive!

He loves me even when I'm Phat!

He loves me in front of the World, when i'm Beautiful, Thin and Lovely!

BLOG MAKE-OVER!!!! LAPS OF LIFE IS ROCKIN!

So, thanks to the Freaking Fabulous JEN http://www.justfoolinblogdesigns.com/

I am all cutified now. Thank you so much Jen, you have a talent and it shows in your work product.

Please stop by and check out my new blog make-over and help me get to 3,000 hits!

FILL #2 COMPLETE

Well got nothing to report... boring Fill #2, I have not been hungry all that much and am steady at 1300-1400 calories each day.   Dr. H put in 1 cc, so now I have 3 cc in my band.   Not much restriction!  
However, I am losing, eating well, not getting stuck, so he does not want to mess with this fickle thing as long as all is good.   I think if I had more restriction, I would be loosing faster, but he said No!   Slow and Steady . . . is what he prefers. 

Hmmm ok so this is funny.    Right when I am laying on the table and he is feeling around where my port is, the room is all quiet and my phone starts to ring.   "I'm Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO . . .  oh it was kind of embarrasing.   Dr. H said, "well whatever it takes" and just gave me that sexy ass smile.  

It was my girl T from work wanting to know if I wanted to go to lunch.   I called her ass right back...nice timing!

Just Saying ..... I guess I'm on a Diet!

Listen People Dont make me say it, but yes...... YES i'm on a fucking diet!  


Here is a list of food I had to turn down yesterday:


7:00 am  Hello welcome to Starbucks what delicious sugar ridden, expensive, addictive drink can we cheerfully make for you today?


Me - oh nothing, just ordering for him....

   Wow 1 NO down how many more to go?


10:00 am Meet and Greet the new CEO's of the company.....well in order to do that we must EAT!

Wow 2 NO down how many more to go?

12:00 pm Lunch with the Management Team....yippee .... but I packed turkey meatballs and cherries.    

NO TURKEY MEATBALLS FOR YOU! 




I had 1/2 sandwich and Salad with Ranch Dressing.    

Clearly, this was not on my plan for the day and after calculating the two lunches (compared), I had 385 more calories for lunch yesterday than I needed by going away from my plan.   And this is without the chips, without the dessert and without the 2nd half of my sandwich.  

  
In my defense, you see what they day could have been and honestly would have been without my band controlling my cravings and hunger.  So today, I give a big congrats to me and stating that I love my band.  It is the silent partner I have needed to be successful.

Oh and a big thank you to my friend, S, who delightfully points out during our lunch..."hey...psst....bates....you know, ranch is so fattening"... as I stuff my face with my forkful of lettuce leaves dripping in Ranch.    She is lucky she is not wearing the Ranch dressing bowl as a hat.   All with love, S, .......all with love.

Vacation Update

It was a short-term goal to have my surgery in May, recover and recooperate so that I would be back up and ready for my vacation, the week July 9th.  

Mission Accomplished!     

I have had a fabulous week off work, traveled to Ohio to spend time with family and friends.    Quality time with my neice Rachel.   Rest, relaxation, movies and naps with Buns!

Kudos to me!.... I still managed to incorporate working out into my trip to Ohio and my week off.  I have awesome friends who support my goals and met me for a 12 mile bike ride.    That is what friends are for!

Biking Group, minus Buns

Me and my Bike Mile 9

 

I also had my neice for 2 days and she came to spin class with me, followed by the next morning she attened one of my PT sessions.    She has been hurting for 2 days...so I'm feeling pretty good that a 15 year old had trouble keeping up with me.   What are Auntie's for if not for bun busting! 

and

{Cold Stone Creamery at 9:00 pm..shame shame shame on us!}

Me and Rach before Spin

Feeling Cocky Before Spin

Sweaty and Tired After Spin

 As far as food goes, I did struggle to eat healthy!   There were lots of not so good choices, but my band helped with portion control.    My Dad said he noticed a huge difference in my eating patterns and was so proud of me.    It was akward eating on Saturday at the picnic, I felt as if everyone was checking out my plate.    I pretty much ate what I wanted, but in small portions a few times throughout the afternoon and early evening.   

The end result was a -1 lb loss for the Week.   So, I will take it and RUN.  Back on my eating schedule as of yesterday.   It's snoring boring but must be done! 

This is not a diet, but a new way of life.  My life, my way, my health, my body and my choice.

Truth or Dare?

The Truth is that I am a professional weight maintainer.   There it is... I am a perfectionist at pretty much anything I set my mind to.   But this mind-blowing ability to maintain my weight, I've got this shit Mastered.   Four long years, almost 1,440 days I never lost a single pound and kept it off for more than 12 days.  

I decided to NOT tell Mark, my PT this information.   Because, I was embarrased and thought I'm a brand new me this time, so he does not need to know my past.  One thing about Mark, I have noticed straight away, is he is no-Nonsence.  

Ironically, I pick men in my life who are like this for the long haul.   The truth is, I can be very over-bearing, bossy, spoiled and down right a bitch when I need to be.  I've never met a women yet who I backed to down to, but a Man seems to work for me.    

Lets do the list:

My Daddy.   Very strong work-ethic, loving, dedicated to his job and family, but feared.   My dad never layed a hand on me, but I knew.... lord I just knew when I hit my teens when to get the F**K out of dodge.    My Dad worked 12-14 hr days 6-7 days a week pretty much my entire life.   I was a mouthy and disrespectful teenager and would push and fight with my mother until she would break.   If I heard the bedroom door open (shit woke up dad)...that was it!   Not another peep out of me for hours or days.   My Dad was never going to put up with mouth or my shit, so therefore I shut it in his presense.    Considering he was working so much, I was a hellish teenager for my mother to raise.  She deserves an award for sure.


My Boss at the law firm D, i've been with since I was 23 yrs old and moved from my home-town in Ohio to Michigan to continue to work with him over 12 years ago.  Total, I have been working for this man for 17+ years.   He is extremely Smart, Confident and will never take my shit.   I feel safe in his business world.   I know he will not fail, so therefore I will not fail.  



My husband Buns.   Well, another good hard-working Man, but seriously he is NO pushover.  You F**K him once and your done!   He is a perfectionist, determined, head-strong, tuff minded and smart.  He established very early he is not going to take my shit.   After, several failed relationships in my teens and 20's...this is what I needed for a partner in life.    I was single, young, pretty and moved to Detroit by myself.   Well, its no wonder Buns was my man, I felt safe in his presense in this big city alone.


My lap-band surgeon, Dr. H.   Again, the first thing out of this guys mouth when I met him was Confidence.   He knows he is a good surgeon and he let everyone in the room know "my game, my rules, you dont play by them, I will not be your surgeon....there is the door, help yourself thru-it".   I thought what a Dick!...but you know what...this is My Life.  So, again there is no surprise that I just hopped up on an operating table and turned my life or death over to Dr. H.  I was never so certain about anything ever before.   Absoltutely no doubts and no regrets.   I love Dr. H, he is I believe probably the best thing that has ever happened to this Bossy, Bitchy, Strong-Willed, Spoiled woman named ME!


Ok, fast forward to right now..... to new PT Mark.    He is not stupid and is very driven and direct.   So, he starts probing me this week on my past and my eating habits.   He sees how dedicated I am to my work outs, so clearly something is off.    I try and wiggle my way out with humor, to deflect the questions.... but that does not work!  I give in, because I was not raised to lie, so after telling him why...   I left my workout Wednesday morning a bit upset......Shit, now he too knows I love food, food controls me and I'm a failure at loosing weight. 

Friday, Mark says I'm going to tell you something Michelle... I lost over 100 lbs.   I'm going to teach you what you need to do to loose this weight.   I know once you get there, you can maintain it.   But, getting it off....your going to need help.  

He senses' my total subsmission to him thru my workouts . . . . and now this...the ugly past truth I was trying to hide is just glaring me in the face.....  he just stands there and stares at me as I'm a sweaty mess and now holding back hidden tears; so Saturday i'll be over to work with you in your kitchen. 

This overwealming feeling of emotion...for tears of relief, to not be hiding from him anymore, ...tears of joy that this may actually happen for me....tears for a new much needed friendship.  

I get no hugs from PT Mark, its not like that!   Just a double high-five and we, well me, always likes to drop some F-bombs...so I got one of those out before I left to go on with my day. 

Then, 24 hrs later, just as promised, he shows up at my home and the education begins.   I opened up my door and said "glad you could fucking make-it, lets do this".

Mark leaves with a clear message lingering in my head: 
I dare you to be successful at this!