From This to That!  

 - 72 lbs from a Size Unhappy to Size Healthy! 

Wow here we are at my 1 year band anniversary and my final blog post.   I wanted to write a final blog post, but I was not really sure on exactly what topic I wanted to write about.  So, I'm just going to put it out there! 

This journey was at first for me all about loosing weight, dieting and exercising and getting to my goal weight.  At some point around December, it became less about the food and the diet and the exercise and more about how in the HELL and WHY did I ever let myself look like this???   I realized there was so much going on emotionally that I had not dealt with.  I had to stop blogging because the issues I was dealing with were so intense and so personal that I could not make them public.  I have come to realize that this was always about my emotional need for FOOD.  My sense of entitlement to eat it, overeat it, to crave it, to have it, to finish it and move on to the next meal.  Once I was no longer hungry because of my lap-band, and craving food all the time and getting my "fix" with food, the emotions were full frontal!   

I will say that I am living my life today for me and I am very happy.  I am still with my new trainer Bryan, going on month 6 now.  He is awesome and his work outs are more intense then any ive ever had before.  Its as if, all the exercising I did prior, was to prepare me for this. I am still doing my cardio spinning 3X per week at my gym 2SPureEnergy. My passion for exercise is now a forever and permanent part of my life, that will never change.

My eating is under control.  Unfortunately, more days than not I eat what I want, but in a small portions.  If I would just eat healthy food, I would probably have lost well over 100 lbs by now.    But i'm being truthful and honest.   I dont eat the right foods all the time like I should.  I still have Ranch dressing, I still drink Starbuck's Mochas and I still have candy during the day.  FUCK!!!!!! If only.....  The difference now, I dont binge on them and over indulge... I work out very intense.  I am commited and never miss a work-out, due to this my weight loss is slow and steady.   I guess this in the end, is my realistic way to make this work forever.  Long term, my life-style change.   I'm just not a salad eating bitch!  

You can start to see my emotional breaking points very clearly,  in my November and December blog posts.   My good friend JJ, who I was missing so much, coming back into my life after being jailed and sentenced to a long prison term.   Followed very quickly, by my trainer at that time, firing me as a client.  These events happened simultaneiously for me, creating a whirlwind of emotions.  

My husband and I are on a break.  We are still married and respect each other, we are not fighting or mistreating one another.  We have financial commitments and we agreed to raise 4 dogs together during this marriage.   Where are we?   I have no concrete answer to this question.  What I can say is that things are just simply different.  The fact is, that when my husband met me I was in shape and beautiful, I was on top of the world and loved life.  I was a beautiful bride, and that was one of the happiest days of my life.  But something happened after those I Do Vows that clearly did not sit right with me.   I turned into the "before" picture above.   I tried for so many years to ignore this, but in the end... me... my true self... the Michelle I was born to be... she had to escape!   

I have made some not so popular choices over the past 6 months.  I have lost friends and pissed off family members.  I have disappointed my parents and been told by my wise grandmother her opinion, my in-laws think I've gone crazy; and my husband is just trying to slowly take all this in.  

All the while I have listened to everyone who means so much to me.  But I have  to listen to me more!  My internal self-diaglogue, what I need to be happy.   I cannot do what everyone thinks I should, I need to do what is needed to find internal peace.   When I am not happy and not a peace...the "before picture" me emerges and she is miserable and weak and unhappy.    

It all boils down to self-worth, being worthy of being loved, being truly cherished, being wanted, feeling like a woman and being desired.  

"Every woman deserves a Man who calls her "dollface", kisses her like he means it; hugs her like he  never wants to let her go; acts like a gentlemen in public, but makes love to her like an animal; he wipes her tears when she cries; does not make her jealous of other women, but instead makes other women jealous of her; not jealous for him, but of his love for her; isn't scared to let his friends and family know how he really feels about her, and lets her know how much he really loves her and needs her, by not only his words, but morso by his actions." He will put her first and trust her and she trust him, he will tell the world "Hey This is My Girl".

I want that!

Here is another picture comparison for my final blog post.  This first picture is the night I told my friends what I was doing the following week.   The second is me out with my friends a year later..having fun, laughing and not giving a care in the world about my hair, my clothes, my make-up, my fat ass, where I stand in the picture...just living my life in the moment and knowing that things are just Right!

April 2012

April 2013



Skinny Bitch? Nope not for me!

I had an awakening moment yesterday!!!! 

Guess what?

I dont want to be a Skinny Bitch.  Yep its SO TRUE!   What I do want is to be healthy, feel great and look great and be in great physical and mental condition.  I want to work-out kick its ass and do my cardio spinning classes.  Whatever scale weight for me that comes at... is where I will maintain and consider myself happy.

I'm not going to diet for the rest of my life!   I will however, live my new life style to its fullest potential.  

What brought this mind-blowing epiphany to the forefront of my brain?  

I attended a healthy eating Seminar at my new gym 2SP Pure Energy last evening.   It was a very informative seminar and I got some really good ideas from it, and so glad I went.  

However, I had an "AHHA Moment" while I was sitting there.     

Bless the girl's heart who was giving the seminar, but she is the size of flea.    She is going on and on about eating healthy and organics and eating dark greens, quinio rice, and cooking with this spray and dont use high fat this, no processed food, no coffee, eliminate caffeine, eat clean, eat dark Cocoa and kale chips!   

At some point, I just tuned completely out and went to my thoughts.    I realized in that very moment that I am NEVER going to live like that.    For god sake, I love food and chocolate and coffee and I dont think that is every going to change.   If I could change that, I would not have had to have divine intervention to control my hearty appetite. 

Then, my mind and eyes went to her body.    In my opinion she is bones and I'm not kidding probably a size 2 jean would fall off her.   Her entire ass could fit in the palm of my hand, like a toy cup poodle.  Her breasts were the size of a small fried egg.   In my opinion... to me that is unattractive and gives an appearace of unhealthy.   I dont begrudge her for her lifestyle choices, and Hell she probably will love longer than me, but there is no guaranty of long life for any of us....there is just LIFE NOW! 

She seemed very happy with her choices, but those choices are not for me.    I need to learn to live with my band to eat healthier, proper portioned food and live a balanced life-style.     Then, I realized SHIT BALLS....I am already doing that.    I am working out 5 hours a week, I am down 3 sizes or more in clothes, have lost close to 60 lbs and i'm now only 25 lbs away from my original goal.     

When, I got home from the seminar I looked at myself in the mirror with my workout bottoms and sports bra on and said Damn Girl!    I'm kinda shapely these days...when did this happen?   My big ass is well not so big anymore, and my waist is small... and hey, I might like to grab that ass!!!   The hard-core working out is totally paying off. 

Then, to top it off I had 2 men in my life (Buns and a Great Friend) tell me during the past week that I looked great and maybe a few more pounds 20 or so they could see.  But they each preferred their women curvey and with boobs and an Ass!    Each of these dudes are quite good looking men and could surely get a skinny bitch if they wanted one.    However, niether seemed interested!   LOVE IT!

Be True To Yourself and You Shall be set Free!

I'm quirky, silly, funny, blunt, smart and yes broken!   My days are sometimes dark, and my nights are sometimes too long.   I often trip over my own insecurities and have allowed those insecurities to control me far too long.   I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired.   

I use words in the form of my blog, letters to friends, quick messages, pictures, texts and music to my loved ones, to speak for me when verbal thoughts in the form of  words fail me.  Words are as important to me as the air I breath.    

I love hard and with all that I have...and even with my faults, I am worth loving.

 

THE "F" WORD - FINALLY!!!!!!

SO TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!    51.1 total loss as of today 1/3/2013!!!!!

 

 

I never doubted I would make it to Club 50 it just took me so long!     Damn, Shit balls, Schnizzel Lips.... WOW  7 months of hard work, perseverance and determination pays off today.

 

Got nothing else to report except apparently I'm trying to take a bronchial cold and as Sweet Georgia Brown says:   "ain't nobody got time for that"

 

Welcome 2013!

Wow!   What an absolute mad year 2012 has been.  

As I look back, I realize I made one of the toughest decisions of my life.   The decision to move from Ohio to Michigan in 1998 by myself, was big!  ....  then it takes me 14 years to make another life changing decision, to get my lap-band to help me get the weight off that I put on due to the 1998 decision to move.   Life is funny that way, but I guess that is what living it is all about?

I know the worst regarding this journey is now behind me, the wait for insurance approval, the dreaded last meal syndrome, the horrific liquid diet, the recovery from surgery, the toll that surgery takes on your body.   I hated the soreness and weakness I felt from not being able to workout for weeks.  I was scared when it was hard for me to walk around my neighborhood.   How will I ever get thru spinning and another core workout, if I cannot even walk!   But I recovered and I kicked its ASS!!!!!! 
 

My loss has been slow and steady.   That is the best way I can describe it.    I have not any big weekly losses, except for when I did the liquid diet in May.   Perseverance and Patience are the two words that come to mind when I look at my WLS journey.    My lose is 48.7 for 2012, so close to 50, but yet not quite there for the New Year Celebration.
 

My lowest point was loosing my trainer Mark.    It has been almost a month and I am still upset and probably will never understand why he chose to abandon me half way thru my journey.  When I think about it, my heart and my stomach hurt, so much I cry.  His decision makes me feel as if I was not good enough to be his client.   When you are rejected in anyway in life, it hurts deep inside in your core and that pain often is the pain that stays with you throughout your life.   
 

My highest point is the magnitude of my ever changing body shape and my work-outs! I never missed, never canceled and gave 110% every single time.   My body is stronger today at 41 then it was at 21 and that is a FACT.    

 

I survived the closing of my favorite gym MAC, and began the search for a new gym.  The temporary loss of my beloved spin classes for my top cardio fix, was extremely difficult.    For 90 long days, this was also taken from me, but just when I thought gone forever...BOOM it was back just as fast it left.    Thank you Pureenergy2SP !   

 

So, I am hoping that my recent set-back with loosing Mark and the progression of my core strength training is also just temporary.  


I have found a new trainer, his name is Bryan Mason, but I will just call him Dude for now!  Bryan is with the parent company of Pureenergy2SP, called 2SP Athletic.   He is the first trainer dude in the cover picture, if you click this link!   Looks nice enough you think?     I have had 2 workouts with him and heading for my 3rd this morning.    I do like him, his style of training is different than with Mark, but then in some ways very similar.  Dude is very all over the place, he is all dudish-styled and wants results FAST with little rest between sets of whatever crazy ass shit he thinks up.   

I'll report later in January how it is going with Dude, but I am very closed off toward him at that moment, almost holding myself back.   I'm scared to like him, scared to get into a routine, scared to rely on him for fear he too will leave.      See I'm all fucked up!


I love my title picture for this post, it speaks volumes.   Most definitely in 2013 it is eminent  that I will for certain get SHIT DONE.   Failure is not an option!

My journey has been rough, some weeks the scale just stood still and stared at me as if to say "what you gonna do about this bitch?"... my heart has been hurt, my routines broken, my strength tested over and over.  

The Lovely Addict Update

 

Well as if almost right on que; I received a letter back from JJ in Prison.   His letter was eminent, almost as if meant to be with the timing.   Given that my new trainer I hired to replace him fired me as a client last week.  I find all this almost too scripted as if the events are happening for no apparent reasons, but then become crystal clear in the end.  

 

It is as if I'm looking from the outside and watching this story unfold in my life.   JJ's letter was full of hope for his own situation as well as nothing but positive energy toward me and our friendship.

 

As I read this letter its dated early December, prior to my present situation taking place.   He is writing this letter to me as if my life, my routines and goals  are still on track.   His message is received and its clear to me what needs to be done.   He gave me more self-motivation and more inspiration in one letter...than I could have hoped for.   

I know what I need to do.   It took a few days, I did not want to accept this fate, but this is what the story unveils to me and this chapter now ends.  

 

JJ sounds good, however he is clearly hurting, he is bored, but I believe at this point in time he owns his actions and is trying to make sense of his addiction and why he did what he did. 

 

Thanks to all that responded on my first post in November, many had asked that I follow-up once I heard from JJ with an update.   

Will I hear from JJ again?   Absolutely, we are going to continue to exchange letters and support each other.   

There will be no more after you!

I start this post out with a broken heart because this is what has happened to my insides over the last 24 hours. 

Your intentions are not clear to me?   I think you did this to motivate me, but it did not work.  Instead I am stopped dead in my efforts.    I am now paralyzed with fear of failure.   

I am flawed and not perfect, but I do love myself enough to embark on this journey publicly, to share my highs and lows in an attempt to capture the pain and hard work it takes to lose weight.  

 

 

I have asked you for help to be there as part of my support system.  Why?... because I know ME.... way better than you do; and knew I would need constant supervision, motivation and reminded of my goals.  

 

 

That is your role in this.   You don't get to just walk out on me!     

Most importantly:  Part of my commitment contract "I will not quit on myself".    I never did quit, never had any intentions of quitting until I got to the finish line.

So why do you get to quit on me?    

I'm not going to enlist myself in another weight challenge and set myself up for failure to win you back to my team.    You either want to help me and have enough respect for my self worth to stay with me when I need you most or you don't.

See, I don't care about the cash prize, but what I do care about is me!   I have to be my priority right now.   I don't have it in me to care about others, work with others, to compete against others, nor do I have any desire to wager my relationship, my friendship with you or my fitness and health future.

By giving me an ultimatum, by doing to me what you did yesterday... it shows me you really do not know me at all.    

So let me fill you in:  

I am faithful, forgiving, loyal to a fault, loving, funny, outspoken and smart.  

You are trying to break me and my sprit for some reason and now I am desperately trying to not let that happen.    I have cried for hours, not ate for hours, went without sleep for hours.    I have thought about this enough.    I have tried to justify your decision and I can't come up with anything that gives you the right to do that to me.

I bet you will say:  "its not personal"...  Fuck you... it is Personal!     The minute that I opened myself up to get on a scale, to allow you to measure my lady parts, to allow you to push me and work with me, and run and jump with my big phatty phatness....     It became Personal.    The minute that I decided to trust you, it became Personal!

What overweight woman do you know of that jumps at the chance to get on a scale in front of a hott ass guy?    NONE!   It takes courage to even walk in the door and ask for help from a guy trainer. 


This is all I have to give is what is inside of me, some weeks may be great and others not so great.   You are either with me on this journey or against me, the choice is not mine its yours.   I have made my choice.  

If you choose NO, then there will be no more trainers after you.   I don't have the energy to open myself up again.   I will finish my journey on my own.

 



This is me and my Trainer 12/12/12, the day from Hell!