Sunday, December 30, 2012

Welcome 2013!

Wow!   What an absolute mad year 2012 has been.  

As I look back, I realize I made one of the toughest decisions of my life.   The decision to move from Ohio to Michigan in 1998 by myself, was big!  ....  then it takes me 14 years to make another life changing decision, to get my lap-band to help me get the weight off that I put on due to the 1998 decision to move.   Life is funny that way, but I guess that is what living it is all about?

I know the worst regarding this journey is now behind me, the wait for insurance approval, the dreaded last meal syndrome, the horrific liquid diet, the recovery from surgery, the toll that surgery takes on your body.   I hated the soreness and weakness I felt from not being able to workout for weeks.  I was scared when it was hard for me to walk around my neighborhood.   How will I ever get thru spinning and another core workout, if I cannot even walk!   But I recovered and I kicked its ASS!!!!!! 
My loss has been slow and steady.   That is the best way I can describe it.    I have not any big weekly losses, except for when I did the liquid diet in May.   Perseverance and Patience are the two words that come to mind when I look at my WLS journey.    My lose is 48.7 for 2012, so close to 50, but yet not quite there for the New Year Celebration.
My lowest point was loosing my trainer Mark.    It has been almost a month and I am still upset and probably will never understand why he chose to abandon me half way thru my journey.  When I think about it, my heart and my stomach hurt, so much I cry.  His decision makes me feel as if I was not good enough to be his client.   When you are rejected in anyway in life, it hurts deep inside in your core and that pain often is the pain that stays with you throughout your life.   

My highest point is the magnitude of my ever changing body shape and my work-outs! I never missed, never canceled and gave 110% every single time.   My body is stronger today at 41 then it was at 21 and that is a FACT.    

I survived the closing of my favorite gym MAC, and began the search for a new gym.  The temporary loss of my beloved spin classes for my top cardio fix, was extremely difficult.    For 90 long days, this was also taken from me, but just when I thought gone forever...BOOM it was back just as fast it left.    Thank you Pureenergy2SP !   

So, I am hoping that my recent set-back with loosing Mark and the progression of my core strength training is also just temporary.  

I have found a new trainer, his name is Bryan Mason, but I will just call him Dude for now!  Bryan is with the parent company of Pureenergy2SP, called 2SP Athletic.   He is the first trainer dude in the cover picture, if you click this link!   Looks nice enough you think?     I have had 2 workouts with him and heading for my 3rd this morning.    I do like him, his style of training is different than with Mark, but then in some ways very similar.  Dude is very all over the place, he is all dudish-styled and wants results FAST with little rest between sets of whatever crazy ass shit he thinks up.   

I'll report later in January how it is going with Dude, but I am very closed off toward him at that moment, almost holding myself back.   I'm scared to like him, scared to get into a routine, scared to rely on him for fear he too will leave.      See I'm all fucked up!

I love my title picture for this post, it speaks volumes.   Most definitely in 2013 it is eminent  that I will for certain get SHIT DONE.   Failure is not an option!

My journey has been rough, some weeks the scale just stood still and stared at me as if to say "what you gonna do about this bitch?"... my heart has been hurt, my routines broken, my strength tested over and over.  

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Lovely Addict Update

Well as if almost right on que; I received a letter back from JJ in Prison.   His letter was eminent, almost as if meant to be with the timing.   Given that my new trainer I hired to replace him fired me as a client last week.  I find all this almost too scripted as if the events are happening for no apparent reasons, but then become crystal clear in the end.  
It is as if I'm looking from the outside and watching this story unfold in my life.   JJ's letter was full of hope for his own situation as well as nothing but positive energy toward me and our friendship.
As I read this letter its dated early December, prior to my present situation taking place.   He is writing this letter to me as if my life, my routines and goals  are still on track.   His message is received and its clear to me what needs to be done.   He gave me more self-motivation and more inspiration in one letter...than I could have hoped for.   

I know what I need to do.   It took a few days, I did not want to accept this fate, but this is what the story unveils to me and this chapter now ends.  
JJ sounds good, however he is clearly hurting, he is bored, but I believe at this point in time he owns his actions and is trying to make sense of his addiction and why he did what he did. 
Thanks to all that responded on my first post in November, many had asked that I follow-up once I heard from JJ with an update.   

Will I hear from JJ again?   Absolutely, we are going to continue to exchange letters and support each other.   

Thursday, December 13, 2012

There will be no more after you!

I start this post out with a broken heart because this is what has happened to my insides over the last 24 hours. 
Your intentions are not clear to me?   I think you did this to motivate me, but it did not work.  Instead I am stopped dead in my efforts.    I am now paralyzed with fear of failure.   
I am flawed and not perfect, but I do love myself enough to embark on this journey publicly, to share my highs and lows in an attempt to capture the pain and hard work it takes to lose weight.  
I have asked you for help to be there as part of my support system.  Why?... because I know ME.... way better than you do; and knew I would need constant supervision, motivation and reminded of my goals.  
That is your role in this.   You don't get to just walk out on me!     

Most importantly:  Part of my commitment contract "I will not quit on myself".    I never did quit, never had any intentions of quitting until I got to the finish line.

So why do you get to quit on me?    

I'm not going to enlist myself in another weight challenge and set myself up for failure to win you back to my team.    You either want to help me and have enough respect for my self worth to stay with me when I need you most or you don't.

See, I don't care about the cash prize, but what I do care about is me!   I have to be my priority right now.   I don't have it in me to care about others, work with others, to compete against others, nor do I have any desire to wager my relationship, my friendship with you or my fitness and health future.

By giving me an ultimatum, by doing to me what you did yesterday... it shows me you really do not know me at all.    

So let me fill you in:  
I am faithful, forgiving, loyal to a fault, loving, funny, outspoken and smart.  

You are trying to break me and my sprit for some reason and now I am desperately trying to not let that happen.    I have cried for hours, not ate for hours, went without sleep for hours.    I have thought about this enough.    I have tried to justify your decision and I can't come up with anything that gives you the right to do that to me.

I bet you will say:  "its not personal"...  Fuck you... it is Personal!     The minute that I opened myself up to get on a scale, to allow you to measure my lady parts, to allow you to push me and work with me, and run and jump with my big phatty phatness....     It became Personal.    The minute that I decided to trust you, it became Personal!
What overweight woman do you know of that jumps at the chance to get on a scale in front of a hott ass guy?    NONE!   It takes courage to even walk in the door and ask for help from a guy trainer. 

This is all I have to give is what is inside of me, some weeks may be great and others not so great.   You are either with me on this journey or against me, the choice is not mine its yours.   I have made my choice.  

If you choose NO, then there will be no more trainers after you.   I don't have the energy to open myself up again.   I will finish my journey on my own.


This is me and my Trainer 12/12/12, the day from Hell!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Story of My Favorite Jeans ...

I was hanging on a Rack at Macy's at Somerset Mall, just waiting for a good home!   My maker is a high-fashionista designer named Michael Kors and my price tag is way over priced at $125.00 with no upcoming sale on me in my future until Spring.  
As I hang on my lonely rack at Macy's, in walks a potential buyer, ohhh she is cute, smiling, carrying a MK purse and looks just my size.    AHHH!!! she sees me, I get picked up and she smiles at me, I've got a HOME!   My potential buyer takes me in the dressing room so she can make sure we are a good fit, but unfortunately she struggles to get me on.   She pulls and tugs and begins to breath heavy....then, she sits on the bench in the dressing room in her underwear and begins to cry and look at herself in the mirror.   
Finally, she picks me up and I think well back to rack I go, but NOOOO Wait what is this...I'm being purchased!    Me, Mr. MK Jeans are so happy, but my Buyer is so sad.    This does not seem right I think, but I'm just glad to be getting out of Macy's, so in the shopping bag I go and home with my Buyer.   
The conversations and living life I hear, while I hang silently on a hanger in an empty room for the next 2 months.    My Buyer is damn determined to love me and wear me and it makes me so happy.   She visits me often, touches me and makes sure I'm still there for her!    Apparently, she is throwing a big party for her best friend and I'm the outfit of choice.  
As the party night fast approaches, she puts me on and its a tight fit, but I give her just enough comfort and breathing room that IT'S a GO.    Finally, I get out of this Room and I'm living life with my Buyer.
The "Party" is wonderful!   My Buyer has all her friends from long ago around her, she enjoys the evening like no other.    There are many memorable moments and pictures taken with me that will forever be a part of my Buyer's permanent memory bank. 
After this Party, I seem to come out every week and get proudly worn; WOW my buyer loves me like no other!   
After several long months of being with my Buyer, something strange begins to happen, she quits wearing me, but I remain in her closet just looking at her every time she is close by.    Then, one day the unthinkable happens, she puts me on and is annoyed with me!     I end up in a pile on a bench with other unlovable clothes.     I don't know why my Buyer does not love me anymore?? and it hurts!
Finally, my Buyer comes and has a conversation with me!   Thank God...I'm thinking I cannot spend another minute in this Room with these Looser Clothes, I'm a high-fashionista type and need to be Displayed and LOVED!   
My Buyer tells me:    "hello, my Favorite MK Jeans, you started all this; that day in the dressing room when it was just you and I and the mirrors ... this was a breaking point for me, having to stuff myself in you just about broke me".   I will forever love you, but I have no need for you anymore.   You represent a side of me that is gone and never coming back!   
She packs me up in a USPS box and sends me away to a lady named Maggie who lives in Miami, FL.    Yes, my lovely buyer sends me away, but not with out a note to my new owner:   "Hey, Maggie... these were my favorite jeans and come with a lot of memories and courage, and life changing decisions, love them and live life in them for me".